The Diary of Dark Secrets

I Feel So Loved

2009-04-16T00:09:00.005+08:00

I feel guilty and so I apologize for not informing you guys ahead of time that I will be gone for a couple of days from the blogsphere. Now, before I rant about my little get away from stress and loneliness, I would like to thank the two lovely ladies; The girl in stilleto at .musings of the corybantic painted nails. and Angel at Insights From The Demigoddess for giving me the Honest Scrap Award. Lovin' you laaadddiiiezzz.... I will also share this award to deserving bloggers. I hope it's not yet too late.

"The HonestScrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award."

Hmmmm... 10 things about me that you guys may not know:

1. I'm a Mariah Carey Fanatic

2. I eat veggie salads while watching a movie instead of pop corns and sodas.

3. ...very very anxious on how I look

4. Interested on reading Fiction novels

5. I am very clumsy. haha

6. I am MEAN.

7,8,9, 10- I love to imagine and fantasize over someone or something interests me.

I guess almost everybody already has this award so I'll tag all my Followers and for those who don't have one yet, you go ahead and get this one. :)

Moving Forward...

2009-04-04T02:45:00.002+08:00

Today, I lost my job. I have been laid off due to lack of work. Well, I can’t blame them especially with the economy right now. There’s no exemption. Recession is all over the world. I have been with this company for over a year and half. I learned to love this place and the people around me as well as my work. I couldn’t find any company as relaxing as this. Employees here come and go but still I was strong enough to stay with the company even when they were going down. I didn’t lose hope. I have learned a lot and most especially the people that I considered not just plainly a co-worker but close friends and we’ve made a strong bond even when the time came where they have to say goodbye.

As I enter the office earlier today, I felt something was gonna happen. I just don’t know what. I was frightened though but still I didn’t mind it and I did my job, but something was really bothering me. Later on, one of the HR Staffs called me and my team mate for a short meeting. As I approach the conference room, I was uneasy like I don’t wanna know what she has to say but then I had the courage to face her and accept whatever she has to inform us. So, our conversation went something like this:

HR: How are you?

Me: Good thank you.

HR: I don’t want to beat around the bush or sugar coat this information I’ll give you.

Me: (yeah right! Go ahead and say it straight to my face bitch!) OK, go ahead.

HR: I’m sorry to tell you that Mr. ____ has terminated the services and that your account has been closed so that means that bla bla bla bla…

Me: OK, that's cool?? (Sigh... This is really the end.)

HR: So I want you to read this (hands the paper) before you sign it.

…and there was silence.

I couldn’t believe I’m leaving this company. I went out of the room smiling but deep inside it hurts. This job has been a part of my life. The memories we’ve shared together with my close friends here will stay in my heart forever. Life must go on… I can still look for a new job but the happiness and contentment I felt here is incomparable. Someday, when I grow old, I will have something to smile and laugh about. Things change and we must adapt to these changes. I am happy because somehow I was loved by my bosses and they will still be my friends outside the office. No hard feelings.

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The funny things I will never forget in this office:

My flexible schedule as per ME! Ha!
My wide work station full of little stuffed toys and papers
My full time blogging when I’m not busy (but I will still blog though)
The ghost who wakes you up when you sleep at your desk
(We work graveyard shift) lights off and takes a nap. Time is indefinite.
We drink after our shift so that means we start the session by 7 am and we get drunk by 1 pm.
Conference chats with the team. Talking about anything under the sun.
Our "show off Fridays" where we have different themes every week and just show it off!

Well, I really learned a lot from this company, from work ethic, loyalty, and most of all the camaraderie of all teams. I wanna thank all my bosses and my colleagues for their support, time and love. I will miss you all and I will treasure all our moments together.

You Left; You Came Back... Please Stay

2009-03-28T06:03:00.003+08:00

I met you 4 years ago. I was outside our house having a smoke when suddenly you jumped off from your window because you and your girlfriend had a huge fight. It was weird but as you were gracefully running barefoot, I was astonished with your beautiful face. From then on, I never stop looking at you. I never really believed in love at first sight but that was how it went. Almost every night I see you with your friends and when our gaze met, my heart melted.

We became friends and the best part of it was, both of us falling in love. We’d go to the beach and just stare at each other. Our eyes were the ones who expressed the love we have. I felt your warm embrace and your soft kisses. I was madly in love with you. All I see is you. I don’t mind keeping our relationship from your friends as long as we love each other. You said, you love me and that’s all that matters. We shared intimate moments. We get drunk together; we’d go to different places, just the two of us. Those moments were unforgettable. Everything was so romantic. I heard about you having an affair with somebody but you said it’s a gossip. I thought you only loved me and no one else. The truth was, you were still together but you’re still not sure because she was away and you didn’t want to engage yourself to a long-distance-relationship and I was there when you needed someone. One day, she came back and you suddenly left me, without even a single word. Your friends knew that we were together and hated me for that. I was expelled from the group. I didn’t see you or any one from the group after that.

I was stuck in my room like a prisoner. I didn’t know were to find you. I attempted to end my life but I couldn’t. Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking about what went wrong. It was almost perfect and with just a snap of a finger, everything ended. I wasn’t even given the chance to speak to you to clear things up. Everything happened so quickly. It was hard for me to move on because I didn’t know where to start, what to believe or what to think for me to be able to convince myself that you’re gone and wouldn’t come back. I was stuck with a question in my head. I didn’t know whether to wait for you or to go on with my life. We were at the end of the road but still I can’t let go. Why did play with my heart? How could you love me and leave me without saying goodbye? I know you loved me but you were too scared to fight your love for me against them and the worst part of it is, you love her more than me. I could see your face anywhere I go so I thought of leaving our place have a good start.

Years passed, I think I have moved on because I am happy with my life as of now. I found someone who loves me as much as you did. You crossed my mind every once in a while, thinking where you might be now, who you’re with or did you ever think of me or what had happened to me. I have always been thinking you were mad at me so there’s gonna be no chance at all that I’ll be seeing you again. I was alone, thinking… imagining my self seeing you again and feel your touch and hearing the sweet words I always want to hear from you. I’m hoping that you might find your way back to me. I thought I have moved on, why am I still longing for you? What happened to us still hurts me.

Fate was very kind to me. I found you again… it was very surprising but I hesitate for a while thinking about what might your reaction be. I was glad you felt the same. You explained what happened and I was happy you were looking for me too. I was really delightful when we started communicating. Now, I realize, I am still in love with you… and the feelings I felt before were true. The thing that I fear most is losing you again. I don’t doubt the love I feel for you but I might end up losing you again. For now, I just want to cherish the moment while you’re still mine… and probably make sure when I lose you again, I’ll be fine. I will try my best to give you everything that I have and it’s up to you to decide if you will stay or leave. I love you.

No One Can Beat Nature

2009-03-21T03:08:00.007+08:00

I was checking my mails a while back and received this amazing pictures of Nature. Check these out!

Whoah! Can you imagine if your butt is this big? you'll make J.Lo crazy!lol

Oooppzzz..

No way!

If you won't have sex every now and then, you'll grow mushrooms on it. Now think about that...

Awe, a ballerina!

Triplets!lol

OOOhhh...?

Hot? not quite...

Now, what do we have here?

How's that???

Picture perfect!

Deep inside that small cave lies a treasure!go and get it!lol

Haha!

Ouch! Mahhn, that hurts!

It's cool! don't underestimate what nature can do! This is art!

P.S. I will post the recording I promised soon... :) prepare your self!

Give And Take

2009-03-13T21:32:00.004+08:00

This is awesome! I just receive an award from April. I feel so loved. Thank you! Now I'll be sharing this to my favorite bloggers. I HEART YOU GUYS!

Here are the award rules: List 7 things that you love, and then pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know that they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

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7 Things I Love

During my spare time i read fiction Novels.
Since Music is my life, I couldn't begin or end the day without listening to my favorite songs on my MP4.
I smoke to release tension. When I get pissed or sleepy, Marlboro Lights Gold is the solution.
I love Boots
I love little stuffed toys
Uhh... PIZZAS
On line Games

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7 Bloggers I Love

Angel; Insights from the Demigoddess
Floreta; The Solitary Panda
Andhari; Insomniac Lolita
Trinity; Journals of a Love Crackhead
Cheryl; Confessions of a twenty something year old
Angela Darling; 20-Something Dreams
Errant Gosling; Gosling's Aerie

p.s. those that weren't mention, it's either you already have the award or I can't add one more because I'd be violating the rule. I love you Everyone!:)

Oldies But Goodies

2009-03-13T01:40:00.007+08:00

Karen Anne Carpenter was one of the all time great musical sensations of the 70s. I guess you guys already know. She was a Drummer but it was less known then her being a singer. Her voice is really incredible. It is very relaxing as well.

I wasn't born yet even when she was already gone. Back in High school I always wake up every morning and I could hear somebody singing along with Karen's "Yesterday Once More" ...When I was young, I'd listen to the radio waiting for my favorite song.. Phew! Who the hell is that? I came out from my room and saw my mom, singing out loud emotionally with a microphone in her hand! I was always pissed when she plays The Carpenters songs everyday. Later on, I found myself already singing along with my mom. I even know the lines than her! At the back of my head I asked, what is wrong with me?? Am I going nuts? Singing the oldies? No F way!

Music is my life. I could not live without music. Whew! One time, I was alone at home and of course the first thing I do is turn on the radio or maybe play some CD's. I opened my drawer and couldn't find any. I panicked. Calm down, you can find your CDs. I went outside to look for one but all I found was The Carpenters. Okay, I don't have a choice... While I was listening, I was relaxed and I was beginning to love her enchanting voice. I enjoyed her songs and played it again and again. Even at school, I was bullied because of me being a fan to The Carpenters.

Now, I still listen to their songs and play them once in a while when I want to unwind and it's a sort of my lullaby when I go to sleep. It really soothes the stress I get from work. I'm so fond with them to the extent that I could imitate her voice and the way she sings.

I brought that thingy in the office. I work at night so it's really tiring and my officemates usually doze off. I turn on my phone and play some of their hits like Close To You, I Need To Be In Love, I Won't Last a Day without You, Sing and Rainbow Connection. Sometimes, I sing along, imitating her voice and gestures. They couldn't help but laugh because I really do sound like her (as per my officemates). Every now and then, they would request a song from me and want me to sing like Karen. It's just so overwhelming to see people not making fun of me but amused of what I can do. I often do it when I can see them dozing off at work. I sort of become their ice-breaker.

By the way, taking a video of themselves singing, dancing or doing stupid things just to attract viewers and posting them at Youtube is now very common and I was planning to make one just for fun. Oh yeah, I would make one for you guys as well. For now, all you will see is Karen but it will be my voice. lol You will meet me very soon. :)

Anyway, back to the topic... I realize that there is no age for music. It really depends on the personality of each one of us. I prefer to listen to the classics because I find their songs very meaningful and it lasts a lifetime. Whether you admit it or not, music embeds our daily life, weaving its beauty and emotion through our thoughts, activities and memories.

Too Much Love Can Kill

2009-03-07T02:50:00.015+08:00

I once loved someone so much that it was hard for me to go though I know I have to move on and live a normal life. I considered my self lucky because he is the man in my dreams. Every girls fantasy is mine. He was not only my boy friend but he was also my brother and my dad. He was always there for me, to the point where I feel guilty every time I made a mistake. I've always been in love with him since the start. I thought he's gonna be mine forever and I thoguht this time, it's for real. I already heard the wedding bells. I thought nothing would change that I'll still be the same old me, so in to him.

Things change and now, I broke his heart. I ended up everything between us. I broke all the plans he has for us. I can still remember when we used to talk and dream about our future together. Work, Wedding, House, Kids, Travel... I told him I will be a good wife and he will be a perfect husband. I promised him my loyalty and trust. We shared every smile and heartache. I was a good girl but later on, I know I wasn't going to be happy with him.

I called him, Where are you? we need to talk, I need to clear things up so I won't feel guilty. He showed up, I told him I wasn't happy with him anymore and that I need to move on. I'm sorry I have to go. This should end. He got a knife and cut himself. It's the same scene every time I break up with him. He's not in love with me, he's obsessed. His love was too much to handle. I'd rather be alone than be with him and suffer. He's been jealous with my friends and anyone I talk to. He always has my phone and checks on it every time. I was already choked. I could hardly go out of the house. He wanted me so badly that I felt like a prisoner. Yes, I appreciate everything he did to make this relationship work but I'm already fed up of all this shit! I need a life!

But sometimes I can't help my self but cry. I missed him sometimes when I think of the 3 years that we'd spent together. For now, we'll be living our own lives. All this time I was pretending that I love him, showing him that I was in love with him just for the sake that he'd not cut himself or commit suicide. I was keeping this to myself for quite a while and this time I've made up my mind of ending it all up and move on.

I realize that sometimes too much love can kill us. It has to be completely balance. We should not make someone a saint or a god. Love can also be selfish. Somehow, it's really good to be in love and be loved in return.

*************************************

The day i left you was the worst day of my life
I told you I loved you and  left. I broke your heart and mine
without an explanation,
reason, or understanding. You ask why?
Why did i end our relationship?
You meant so much to me,and i meant so much to you.
You had everything. Sweetness, kindness,
and most of all my heart. The day i met you,
my heart fell in love.But the day it ended,
my heart got ripped into pieces.
That heart that got stolen,the heart that loved you
more than anything,is now irreplaceable.
I'm scared of love, Especially getting hurt again.
But one last thing  I'd like to say, I love you and miss you.
And now i have no heart to love with,
and no heart to love myself with,
because you took everything with you, the day it all ended.

The Bag Tag; What Kind Of Fruit Are You?

2009-02-23T22:14:00.009+08:00

The Tag Bag

Here are the rules:

1. Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late, plus its contents. No, you can't go into your closet and pull out your favorite purse! We want to know what you carried today or the last time you left the house.
2. List how much it cost. And this is not to judge. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, we’d love to hear it.
3. Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your bag.

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I was tagged by Angel because I wasn't able to post for this week. So, I have something to get busy with. The tag bag and what kind of fruit I am... Here is the picture of my bag and the trash inside it.

THE BAG

This bag is soooo cheap. First, because they were on sale and second, it's just really inexpensive. It costs ($ 11.00)

THE TRASH

I have a long list of what's inside my bag. Imagine carrying them everyday.

My Sunglasses from the cheapest store in town. ($5.00)
My glasses. (I'm near sighted, I couldn't clearly see things/people from afar. ) I put it inside when I'm wearing my sunglasses and vice versa.
C2 flavored perfume from Scent Station.
Bronzer from Ever Belina.
Concealer.
A Petroleum Jelly from Johnson and Johnson's.
A few paraphernalia for make up.
My Guess watch. I put it in my bag because it's broken and I have to get it fixed.
My office ID
A Rosary and a prayer booklet.
A Pen card reader.
A spare of earrings. (I always bring an extra spare in case the one I wear doesn't match my outfit.)
Lip gloss from the cheapest store in town. Again.
A pen
Lastly, My Marlboro gold and Torch lighter.

Note: My cellphone was not included because it was the one I used to take pictures on this.

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I also took a few quizzes at Blog Things aside from this and it's really fun. I didn't expect I would end up as a banana. I was expecting to become an apple or a watermelon maybe.lol

YOU ARE A BANANA
You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside.
People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes.

And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary.
You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything!

You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around.
You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.

I couldn't think of anyone to tag. How about Angela Darling? I know you were tagged about taking picture of your bag but we haven't seen the things inside it. :D

Spending Love Day With You In A Sacred Place Is One Of The Unforgettable Days I Have In My Life

2009-02-18T04:36:00.018+08:00

In southern part of our place, thousands of my fellowmen and other visitors from far and wide, climb up a hill to the Mother Mary Shrine in Simala, Sibonga town, bringing their faith and petitions for cures and other divine aid.

Each year, the crowd of devotees and first-time pilgrims seems to grow bigger. Devotees come by truckloads to be there every 13th of the month to hear Mass at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. or during the weekends at 3 p.m.

The shrine became “famous” after word spread that the image of the Virgin Mary was seen “shedding tears of blood,” a phenomenon that lacks scientific or official church validation but nevertheless draws more people to the area.

At the site, one has to cross a foot bridge and walk up a concrete pathway to reach the church, an imposing concrete structure at the top of the mountain. It takes about 10 minutes to reach the peak, which offers a breathtaking view of green slopes and fresh air.

The Marian monks who maintain the shrine have also landscaped the area, which has a mini falls that cascades down a small pool and well-tended gardens.

A major purpose of visitors and devotees who go to Simala is to offer their petitions. Blank sheets of paper and pens on which to write their intentions are prepared by the monks for one to drop in a box at the right side of the glass-encased Marian image. Thank you letters are dropped in a box to her left side.

Visitors in lone queues walk barefoot to the statue. Since the area is considered sacred ground, shoes and footwear have to be removed and modesty is part of the dress code. Wearing of shorts, body-hugging blouses or sleeveless shirts is not allowed. Visitors who come dressed in this attire are asked to cover up with sarongs or malongs, prepared by the monks at the entrance.

In front of the Marian image, one is given only a few minutes to either kiss or say a short prayer, so as not to hold up the line.

Two other lines lead to a display of veils similar to the one the Marian image was wearing on the day believers said the “Birhen sa Simala” (Virgin Mary of Simala) “shed” tears of blood.

So, me and my boyfriend spent Love day on that sacred place. Simple and peaceful. I did enjoy that specially because I was with him in front of Mary and our Lord.

There Isn't Enough Things To Say About Mwa!

2009-02-04T07:22:00.015+08:00

Well, Yeah! Alright! I know! Angel tagged me to do the 25 things about me thing which is hard for me to start because I don't know what to say.. I'll definitely end up writing about the weird side of me. Okay Okay.. I'll try but don't freak out okay?

When I was a kid, I couldn't sleep if I'm not on my grandfather's arms while Whitney Houston's One moment in time is playing.
I wear boxer shorts underneath my uniform back in high school.
CLUMSY is my middle name.
When I eat grilled meats I make sure I have soy sauce mixed with black pepper on the side.
I HATE CAKES!
But I LUURRVVEE CHOCOLATE
I only wear high heels in parties.
I'm comfortable wearing flats.
I'm afraid of knives.
I love Tequila.
I rather sleep than watch tv (that's the reason why sometimes I'm not that updated on what happened about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt or Katie Holmes or even Barack Obama).
Oh.. by the way, I HATE POLITICS! I hate to think about what they've done to people and the world. (Blaming them is such a good feeling)
Even if I'm so drunk, I can still remember what happen, who throw up and who peed on their pants.
I don't have stage fright (I don't know why I have that confidence in standing in front of a crowd. Especially singing).
I can't get enough of Mariah Carey's songs. I listen to it almost everyday. (I already know all the lines).
I used to dream of becoming a doctor but don't have any idea what area should I focus. I think I could be a doctor for mentally ill people. I just realize I'm taking Psychology.
I shiver when I'm angry.
I smoke to release the tension.
I'm a swimmer but I don't look like one
I don;t know how to play cards aside from solitaire.lol

That's all I could think of... I spent 4 hours in making this post ok? By the way, I was out for a couple of days because I was sick and spend more time playing on line games. I know! I can't help it! It's getting more and more exciting!lol I missed a lot and will be making up to reading your posts! promise!:D

Grudges Towards Unworthy Men

2009-01-29T09:13:00.005+08:00

The foul smell of your being, lingers. It has been evrywhere even if we have already parted. Upon thoughts of my friends that you kept on pullin’ on your side; bating empathy, teasin’ souls and hearts to fall for the love you have for me when I've already walked aways from it's foul odors and unhealthy suffocations.

It is in a battle with my raging perception as I paint you with the color of black, of blankness as if I never would have wanted your existence. No, you are not an angel as people have perfected your image upon they’re thoughts with every detail you’ve fed them.

They haven't seen your invisible black wings and your ambitious heart that had swallowed me whole and spat me out deliberately coz I was already struggling from your selfish grip and injustices you’ve thrown at me.

Well, this is my letter to minds of people you’ve captivated, deceived and teased. Even God would understand and pardon my words that you have to swallow unwillingly, through your lame lips and narrow thoughts, when I say that you have transformed into a hallow mendicant in the avenue of my life; better start lookin’ for your own street. I couldn’t think more for an enticing partin’ shot and i don’t feel i still need one.

Bond, James Bond

2009-01-24T07:56:00.005+08:00

You probably heard about this pick up line before but I'll go ahead and remind you.

Bond, James Bond

To the girl: You see this watch, it is my James Bond watch.

it is very high tech. very expensive, and it is telling me that you don't have any underwear on!!!!

Girl: oh Really!!!!

You: (tap the watch like it is broken): oh, I am sorry it is an hour fast:

There you go. Sorry guys, that's all I have.lol

Have A Little Faith II

2009-01-20T22:24:00.004+08:00

I lay there, on the hospital bed, wondering about him. Is he safe? Will I be seeing him soon? I fought the pain I was feeling, that gnawing need to see him. The nurses won’t let me see my baby. My friends were with me since I had no one to accompany me at the hospital. They were there to cheer me up and kept me strong in order to face any possibility.

A few hours later, I asked one of my friends to check my little angel at the nursery. I felt anxious and very nervous. I was about to start accepting the possibility that I might lose him. I didn’t give in to that thought and just kept praying, positive he will be alive.

My hands were cold. They felt numb. I saw my friend walking towards me, tears flooding down her cheeks. My mind went blank, my heart was crushed and my world suddenly turned black. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t say anything. I lay down on the bed, closed my eyes and held my breath, willing my own death. My worst fear has come true. He is gone. My life should end as well.

He belongs to me. Why did you take him away from me? Am I not good enough? Should I be punished like this? What did I do wrong? These were the questions I asked God. I knew it was wrong to question His will. I wanted to jump out the window but the numbness of my body betrayed my plan.

I felt warm embraces as I stared blankly into space. Tears just found their way from my eyes and the more my friends comforted me, the more I desired to die. I was awake the whole night, my eyes red and swollen from crying. I looked away from the mothers who were carrying their babies in their arms. The sight broke my heart.

I couldn’t eat. I thought about that eerily silent place where dead people were brought to. The Morgue. I wanted to sneak in there to see my baby. I wanted to see him. I wanted to hold him. I didn’t care if he was cold. I didn’t care about anything at all.

My parents arrived that morning. They feared for my sanity. I knew my mom understood how I felt. She had lost her first child once, so very long ago...

Have A Little Faith

2009-01-15T00:50:00.004+08:00

January 2008.

It was not a good start for me. I was carrying something special but it was not the right time for him to be in this world. I am an independent young woman but I am not ready for something like this. I could not imagine myself becoming a mother at the age of 21. Although I am very much excited to take care of my little angel, I could not hide the fact that raising him alone seemed a very daunting task.

His father--my so called "sperm donor"-- is the worst guy I have ever met in my entire life. He made my life miserable and it was a huge mistake to trust him. I feel sorry for my little one for having such kind of a father.

I carried my little angel for a while and took good care of him. I love him so much, more than anything in this world. Until the time came for me to say goodbye to him.

This is the saddest thing that can happen to any mother. On the 21st of July, while I was in the end of my second trimester, I felt the contraction on my belly. It was time... but it wasn’t the right time to bring my little angel into the world. At six months old, I fought to keep him. The doctors struggled to save him. I felt pain, anger and misery. I could not accept the fact that if I gave birth to him prematurely, he could die. NO! This is not happening, I thought grimly to myself.

I could not imagine what would happen next. I was in pain, the contractions were paralyzing, but I could not stop thinking about my son dying. The doctors gave me something to help the baby's lungs develop continuously but it didn't work at all. The doctor told me that there is very little chance for him to survive since his lungs were not yet fully developed.

I was in denial. I was positive enough to think that my baby would survive, that I will be able to take care of him. I didn't care if he'll stay at the hospital for weeks as long as he's breathing and safe. I closed my eyes and prayed solemnly for him to live. The nurses didn't mind me crying out loud knowing it is normal for a woman who is in the labor stage of her pregnancy. But I wasn’t crying because of the pain. I cried out loud because I didn't want to think of him dying.

When the amniotic fluid burst, I saw his little legs come out first. I couldn't help myself. I cried. I was excited. The tears were both for happiness because I saw my little angel but it was also for the sadness and fear of his mortality. I was supposed to be brought to the delivery room to complete my delivery but there was no time because the baby was slipping through. They told me not to push out and I tried my best to do as they said. But I can't control it! My baby, my little angel, wanted to see the world. The doctors didn’t have a choice and assisted me with the delivery. It took little effort to deliver him. In my head, I was screaming, “Nooo. This isn’t the right time for you”.

"It's a baby boy!" , the doctor shouted. I saw him in her hands. I wanted to touch him. I wanted him in my arms. I wanted to see how he looks like but I couldn’t yet. They have to rush him to the Nursery for incubation. I wanted to see him but I was still too weak to move...